Sometimes it seems that when we consider ourselves at peace it is really because in truth we are hiding from something.
A fear we haven't faced.
A forgiveness we haven't embraced.
A wound we have allowed to become infected.
A crutch we have grown too used to.
It could be something so small we choose to over look it or something so big we deny it.... then again,it could be something we are completely missing.
I remember being asked how I was feeling by Ate and my reply was 100%.... Ha! was the response.. if you have never experience completeness how can you claim to feel 100%?
Recently I found myself surrendering to 'other's' influence.. a guiding hand or hands. All day I was aware of colored lights around me... I put offerings of coffee,food and tobacco out.My natural instinct was that Ate was close by... so I prayed.
As evening came I still saw them and without thought I followed what my heart was asking of me.... before long I found myself gazing upon a picture of a woman who I knew was my sister.I hadn't seen her for many years and we had spoken last over the phone some 16-18 years ago.
I wrote asking if she was my sister... one or two days passed and she replied.... yes.
This has led me to my brother,nieces....family.....Healing... and a lot of time on fb chat.
I must quickly tell of the first time I wrote to Sam...after speaking with my sister I received a friend's request from Sam.I responded immediately and then sent a family request as my cousin. I quickly realized that it would actually be nephew and so wrote another with an apology.... the reply was... that's ok but actually I'm a girl!
My life has not seemed normal when others hear me tell of the road I've walked. All our journey's are powerful no matter how they appear on the outside.There is the road to knowing our own hearts.There is the road to our roots and the blood.There is the road to understanding love.... there are roads.
I have found,since a very small child,that there is a road that our spirit has travelled and sometimes the body we are in does not seem to lead back in the same direction as our spirit. This has been with my every breath and footstep.I have searched for the answer. In the Inipi the wanagi welcomed me home. The hearts and smiles of the people also.... I found a deeper acknowledgement of Wakan Tanka the Great Mystery ......and unconditional faith in Tunkasila.
Family gives us a foundation from where we can grow. Family should be our shelter when life is as a fierce storm. A forever spring of love when the world becomes cold to us.... sadly family has become many things to many people. To some the word brings fear and tears...wounds and scars...to others it is the source of survival and wisdom.
Family should be the last stronghold to oppose the tactics of 'Divide and Conquer'....
So, after all these years I faced the fear of difficult questions.I asked for forgiveness and it seems any wounds are healing. I feel lighter and as my niece said... the family feels complete now.
There is a peace that is not false... it is the truth of bloods uniting within me. No longer does my life feel divided. I cannot explain why the road has taken this long to come to such a place of healing. When I reflected upon it I felt disappointed that so much time has passed but I embrace this moment.
So now I pray that this will spread... touch upon all the hearts of my family.. both here and across the big water.
I pray old wounds between families of the Oyate will heal... that our Nation will become as one again.. that all children will be embraced as everyone's and each family circle will connect and created the sacred hoop of the Lakota.
I would never be at peace if I had not overcome many things... to realize the healing of the whole is greater than ourselves yet it gives back 10 fold and soon our own personal fears melt away like the darkness with the rising sun.
